End to Phase I...
I passed the Driving Theory Test.
Almost anti-climatic. Or, a false representation of actuality. Never mind. I passed it.
Didn’t take much time. May be 10 minutes for 30 questions? 12 max. When I had finished, I asked if I could leave. More like a desperate need to bolt. I was asked with a shrug to wait for the others to finish. Time to be polite, I said to myself. Painful. I was beginning to have dreadful, stomach sinking thoughts of failure: rapid-fire nightmares from missing to answer a question to wishing I had slowed down… considerably… read carefully each and every query before tapping the screen either True or False. No, not my style nor, my modus operandi. Why belabour the exercise? When all were quietly done… we were only 5 persons… the examiner called out each of our names and declared if we had passed… idoneo/a… or, not… non idoneo/a. The first was non idonea. She got up and slipped out of the room. Oh, Lord! The remaining girls were all idonee. I was the last. The only guy. Spears Forrest Charlton? Si, sono io. Idoneo. Said with a smile. Cosa? I looked straight at Baldo, who had remained with us while we took the exam, and exclaimed… Nooooo!!!!! Both Baldo and the examiner said… Si, idoneo. I rose and met Baldo half-way to hug him joyously. He grabbed me, gave me one of his toothy grins and escorted me proudly out and into the sunlight of… sonooo idoneooo!!!
It was a hard go.
The three of us, Baldo, a timid and be-speckled 18 year old girl… a child… and myself, arrived at the Provincial Bureau of Motor Vehicles early for our 9:30AM appointment. People were milling about blocking the entrance. A few were chatting amongst themselves, bantering about the Carabinieri. Ugh? The uniformed guards were protecting the entrance from any interlopers. No matter to Baldo. He coaxed himself past with his indomitable charm and quickly disappeared inside. Several minutes later he exited and came over to us with news: tests suspended. Before I could absorb that announcement, Baldo told us why:
apparently, an 18 year old, on his way to take the same Driver’s Theory Test as we were about to, stopped at an AutoGrill with his buddies driving him to Massa. They were laughing and jesting amongst themselves about having wired the test candidate with a hidden mic and ear pieces, so he could whisper test questions and have the correct answers given. Little did the merry band realise there were two Carabinieri agents listening to their entire conversation. These two agents alerted colleagues in Massa, who then sent a patrol directly to the Motor Vehicle Bureau. The unaware 18 year old entered the building about 20 minutes before us, showed his documents to the guards and was immediately escorted into the hands of the Carabinieri waiting in the examination hall. All came to an abrupt halt. Interrogation of the recalcitrant. Seems they arrested members of his party too. Cheaters never prosper, I suppose or, at least, I hope, could be the Lesson here.
Had no time for any of that. I was working on either throwing up, fainting or, both. I had forgotten to take my blood pressure medicine when I awoke at 5:00AM. in the morning. Made a caffe’ and reviewed my notes.
The physical discomfort phase of the ordeal had began with Baldo’s instructions to his troops… of two: no need to be crazed with nervousness, value your prep of classwork and home study, don’t get hung up on the questions you cannot immediately answer, go on and then return to them, remember the key words which secretly indicate a reply of False, and so on and so forth. Noted.
I hope what I am about to write will not unduly effect your fine opinion of Baldo but, he’s a crappy driver. An Italian. A few infractions: goes too fast, brakes too often… as per the previous note… rides people’s bumpers… which is spelled culi… fiddles with the radio ‘cause he’s got to have just the right tunes to drive by, admires whatever is outside his window… laterally and not frontally… and commits many other outrages of the Rules & Regulations of the Road and with bravura. We got to the place unscathed.
I am still… at this writing… in awe of what I have accomplished… theory test-wise. I can readily confirm: I busted my Anglo-Saxon tochus boning up to pass the official Qwtz in Massa. It required total focus and dedication and study… lots and lots and lots… and baring anything else on the calendar or, To-do List. Just kept at it, qwtz after qwtz after qwtz. Alternated them with trudging off to bed. Had weird dreams. Chinese with smoking tattoos. What’s that supposed to mean? Even lost weight. Stopped drinking White wine. Ditto for Red. Ate salads with icky end-of-the-season tomatoes or, fish-sticks in the oven for 15 minutes. NO MAYONNAISE!!! Plus, I stopped milling in the Kitchen after such depressing faire looking for edible trouble. A Training Regimen. Also, at one point, I managed to make You super-super, big-time, totally and thoroughly, angry with me, when I cancelled the Nieces + Boy-friend’s November 11th Weekend right before my date with driving Destiny. I suffered 10 days of Communication Silence. A black and lonely period for me. The Dogs started to miss him too. Never even replied to my Whatsapp messages. Yep, that pissed. We have since recuperated those lost days with a pleasant weekend here at il Poggiolo a Codiponte. There was sunshine.
I mentioned to Baldo my stiff neck might verify to at least 500 to 600 qwtzes done in the days leading up to the 15th of November exam date. Surely there’s a rock bottom? He patted me on the shoulder and said… No chance, caro. There are 8,000! Golly.
Later on Wednesday, I got a Whatsapp voice message from Baldo and at nearly 9:00PM at night. My Bed-time. It was garbled. Sounded like he had said I had made 6 errors on the exam, which is certainly non idoneo. So, I called him confused… Baldo? 6 errors you said? How’s that possible? You all said I was idoneo! Forrest! Caro… You’re the Top, you’re the Tower of Pisa… NO ERRORS!!! Golly.
The End?
Hardly. Off to Phase II, the practical side of learning to drive a car all’italiana. Starts on the 21st of November. And on the 22 of December I will go back with Baldo to Massa to submit to a Driving Test. Onwards!
Oh! And here is what I will look like for the next 3 years on my Italian Driver’s License promised for before Capodanno 2023. What a year.
